Listening for Understanding

Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People recommends that we “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” If we all endeavored to heed this simple advice, our relationships with others would profoundly change; when we truly seek to understand another person, we are communicating that we value them.

By first identifying some common listening barriers and then by practicing some counter strategies, most all of us could improve our ability to listen for understanding. Consider the following barriers and counter strategies:

1. Interrupting: Whatever the reason, when we interrupt others, we could be unintentionally sending the wrong message such as “What I have to say is more important than listening to you.”

Counter Strategy: Listen to the entire message—let the speaker finish their thoughts. Sometimes speakers may pause while trying to express themselves. Allow for pauses as appropriate without filling in for the other person.

2. Listening with an attitude. If we expect to hear something that confirms what we already believe about a speaker or situation, we will usually find it. If we expect to be bored, our expectations are more likely to come true.

Counter Strategy: By reframing the listening encounter as an opportunity to learn something new or to gain additional insight, we are more likely to meet these expectations and improve our own understanding.

3. Assuming we know exactly what the other intends: Though we may think we know exactly what the other means, we typically use our own experiences, background, and knowledge to interpret messages from others—our understanding is limited.

Counter Strategy: Check assumptions by using such techniques as paraphrasing what the other said or asking clarifying questions such as “Do you mean…?”

4. Listening only to the verbal message rather than the intended message: Too often we may hear only what the other person said rather than what they meant. Sometimes we will even experience semantic reactions – strong emotional responses to certain words that prevent us from really understanding the other person.

Counter Strategy: One way to improve our ability to understand others is to pay attention to not only the words but to the emotional tone and to other nonverbal messages that may either reinforce or contradict the verbal message. Another strategy involves self-awareness—recognizing when certain words trigger reactions and prevent us from fully listening to others.

Though it is far easier to talk about effective listening than to practice it, we could all improve by making consistent and conscientious efforts. I for one have a lot of work to do in this area. Communication really is a “discipline for life.”