Keeping Your Cool During Heated Situations

Some years ago, I had a communication studies student named Tom who happened to be working as a ticketing agent for a major airline. Tom had plenty of stories about communicating with demanding travelers. One of his stories still reminds me of how important it is to keep our communication goals in mind when emotions start heating up. Though he confessed to feeling very bad about it later, Tom admitted to doing the unthinkable in response to one customer’s angry outburst.

As it reportedly happened, a domestic flight had to be cancelled because of a mechanical problem. Anxious travelers converged on ticketing agents as they scrambled to secure seats on other flights. Though many of the travelers were understandably upset, Tom was trained to deal with such challenging communication situations in a professional manner. Nevertheless, Tom’s training took a back seat to his own adrenalin-fueled response when dealing with one particular customer’s angry behavior. All Tom could focus on (while trying to maintain an outward appearance of civility) was how he could retaliate in response to an attack that had started to feel very personal. Tom did keep his composure when informing the rude customer that he’d found an alternate flight for him via San Francisco. However, Tom later revealed he was so upset by the situation that he had secretly slapped a Dublin, Ireland routing tag on the angry customer’s luggage.

Admittedly, if any of us think a situation is unfair, if we feel disrespected, or if we are treated rudely, it may feel great (at least for a few minutes) to rip into somebody or to get even in some way. Yet this kind of careless communication typically generates more problems rather than resolving them.

If we think about it, achieving our communication goals – which usually means getting others to work with us rather than against us –involves a certain degree of common sense. When we are upset and in “attack mode,” other people tend to respond by being defensive or even finding some way to attack back. How then do we prevent our emotions from sabotaging our communication goals?

First, it is helpful to consider what we want to accomplish as a result of our communication. Do we simply want to vent? If so, we need to make it clear to the other person that we are not attacking them – we are just unhappy about the particular situation. Or, do we want to solve a problem? If so, what expectations do we have, and how reasonable are they?

Second, it is important to manage our emotions before they manage us. When we are offended or perceive we are under attack, our “fight or flight” response tends to kick in; this is when adrenalin surges through our body and prepares us to stand and fight or run for the hills. While this rush of adrenalin may be pretty important in life-threatening situations, it can prevent us from thinking clearly and may create some significant problems in many communication situations. As our internal systems start gearing up for battle, we tend to talk more quickly, our muscles tense, our posture may change, and our vocal tone becomes sharper. If we learn to recognize these changes (or enlist others to help us recognize them) as they start to develop, we have a better chance of actually managing our communication rather than letting it take on a life of its own.

Though human communication is a complex process, a little common sense will go a long way in helping us smooth out the rough spots when interacting on a day-to-day basis.